What if we have been asking the wrong question all this time? What if, instead of asking “how can I feel the same chemistry for my new partner as I did for my ex” we said “how do I build desire for my new partner, a new kind of desire that belongs entirely to this relationship? Not replicating what you felt for the Ex, not replacing it either - simply a fresh loving or wanting that only exists with this person. We believe there is only one definition of desire, that it should always feel the same, but in fact “desire”, “pleasure”, “attraction” are possibly the most changeable parts of being human, we feel them differently every day - it’s what makes us human and not part of a factory line. And yet we “evaluate” the “success” of our relationships on them being constant our entire lives and interpret any kind of change as “failure” We’ve been taught that chemistry should appear instantly and remain unchanged - and that too effortlessly - for decades. Did you know that the Kama Sutra teaches the opposite, that desire and attraction is something lovers actively create through attention, playfulness, conversation, anticipation, shared experiences and touch. It is a practice rather than a happy accident. When we obsess over an “ex”, instead of going into a tailspin of how amazing the chemistry was and how it’ll never be the same, think instead of the kind of effort you made to keep it amazing - the shared experiences, conversations, vulnerability, laughter, disappointments, reconciliations etc. So what if, just for one month, you were to try that with the person in front of you instead of the one behind you - have meals together without discussing this problem? Go somewhere new together? Touch without expecting intercourse? Kiss without wondering where it could or should lead? Actually give your attention to the person in front of you rather than the memories behind you? Would desire suddenly appear? Maybe, maybe not. But you won’t know till you try. You can reach Dr. Anvita Madan-Bahel on www.cultureandtherapy.com