Ready to begin or deepen your meditation practice? Join Dan Harris and world-class meditation teachers on the 10% with Dan Harris app here: https://app.danharris.com/membership Everybody loses things. Not just the loved ones we lose to death — but jobs, marriages, dreams, identities, the future we had planned. Our guest calls the big ones BFTs (bloody effing things) and she has spent her career researching what actually helps you get through them. She also, tragically, went from studying resilience academically to living it — after her 12-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. This conversation is warm, funny, sharp, and genuinely useful. Dr. Lucy Hone is a resilience researcher based in Christchurch, New Zealand. Her viral TED Talk has been watched more than 15 million times. Her first book was Resilient Grieving, written after her daughter Abby's death in 2014. Her new book is How Will I Ever Get Through This?: Evidence-Based Tools to Help You Heal from Hardship, Grief, and Loss — and it's the book for every hardship that ISN'T a death. In this episode: – BFTs — Lucy's family term for the big ruptures that hit all of us – Why "living losses" (divorces, estrangements, job losses, identity shocks) often hit us as hard as death losses – "Assumptive worlds" — the deeply held beliefs that get smashed apart when the worst happens – Why the five stages of grief is one of the most damaging myths in modern psychology – The three foundational moves: acceptance, self-compassion, and understanding what grief actually is – Why grief is a full-body, full-life experience — not just an emotion – The moment Lucy realized 1,500 people in her TED audience had all been through something devastating – The single most-reported source of support in Lucy's own research (spoiler: it barks) – Instrumental vs. emotional support — different griefs need different things – The "what is still true?" list — a simple exercise for when your identity feels shattered – Lucy's teacher's line right after Abby's death: "you will always be a mother of three" – Dan and Lucy's warm disagreement about Buddhism and attachment (Lucy: "I would choose love and attachment any time") – Ajahn Chah's broken glass and how a Buddhist frame might change all of this – Why we don't "bounce back" — big losses morph us, they don't restore us – "Ordinary magic" — the mundane, small, chosen moves that add up to resilience – The Bruce Springsteen concert three years after Abby's death: "hello, joy, my old friend" – "Real, not perfect" — Lucy's own catchphrase for self-compassion – Are you reading the situation accurately? The thinking traps that make grief worse – Disenfranchised grief — the losses we don't know how to talk about Subscribe to watch more 10% Happier videos: https://www.youtube.com/tenpercenthappier Follow Dan Harris on Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/danharris/ https://www.tiktok.com/@danbharris https://www.facebook.com/DanHarrisABC https://twitter.com/danbharris https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-harris-91ba5716b/ #10PercentHappier #LucyHone #Resilience This episode is brought to you by Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone Sapphire combines Rosetta Stone's trusted immersion method with the latest in language learning to help you go from knowing phrases to speaking confidently about what you actually care about. Get 20% off your Rosetta Stone Sapphire subscription, plus unlimited access to all 25 languages, at https://www.rosettastone.com/happier. This episode is brought to you by Cash App. The Cash App Card is available to teens 13 to 17 with sponsorship by an eligible parent or guardian, with intuitive educational tools and instant access to money from family and friends. If your teen has their first job, Cash App can get them access to their paychecks up to two days early. Download Cash App today and sponsor your teen. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms at cashapp/legal/podcast.