Ready to begin or deepen your meditation practice? Join Dan Harris and world-class meditation teachers on the 10% with Dan Harris app here: https://app.danharris.com/membership The ability to handle conflict may be the single most underrated life skill. Every relationship you value — spouse, kids, coworkers, aging parents, friends — will have friction, and how you meet that friction largely determines whether the relationship deepens or slowly rots. Today's guests are a pair of Buddhist teachers who wrote a whole book on this, and they're also, conveniently, married to each other. Devon and Nico Haza are Buddhist meditation teachers whose new book is This Messy Gorgeous Love: A Buddhist Guide to Lasting Partnerships. They were on the show back in 2020 for their first book, How Not To Be a Hot Mess. Nico spent six years in a monastery before earning a PhD in counseling psychology and becoming an insight meditation teacher. Devon teaches at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. In this episode: – Writing a book together as proof of concept (Nico locked away for 30 days; Devon rewriting by committee) – Why the principles here apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones – The First Noble Truth — dukkha — and the "wheel that doesn't fit its axle" etymology – Why "Relationships Are Rough" is the actual honest opening chapter (and countercultural to "happily ever after") – Dukkha as feature, not bug — the dishwasher-forks example – Joseph Goldstein: "don't waste your suffering" – Three-way mindfulness (from the Satipatthana Sutta) — internal, external, and the relationship itself – Loving-kindness practice — and why Dan prefers "friendliness" as the translation – The brahmaviharas as a set of relational muscles – Joy is not frivolous — the argument for taking it seriously – Devon's blender-and-cosmetics maximalism vs. Nico's minimalist irritation (and the "we're going to die" antidote that popped it) – Wallace Stevens: "death is the mother of beauty" – The van-on-a-cliff story — post-three-year retreat, on their way to visit a Buddhist teacher in Canada, and Nico's… questionable K-turn – Three conflict styles from the Gottman research: volcanoes, diplomats, and dodgers – What meditation actually gives you (spoiler: not sainthood — but a much shorter recovery time) – "Patience with teeth" — the chapter is literally titled "Patience Is for Amateurs" – The "trance of nice" — the shadow side of Buddhist culture – Walking the high wire — the middle way as continuous rebalancing – Philippe Petit and what a professional tightrope walker actually does – How to work with a partner who's conflict-avoidant – Partner RAIN, from Tara Brach's work — practicing recognition together – Sonder — the word Dan's 11-year-old son taught him – "Main character energy" — and the small superpower of remembering everyone has it Devon Haza will be teacher of the month on the 10% with Dan Harris app in October. Subscribe to watch more 10% Happier videos: https://www.youtube.com/tenpercenthappier Follow Dan Harris on Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/danharris/ https://www.tiktok.com/@danbharris https://www.facebook.com/DanHarrisABC https://twitter.com/danbharris https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-harris-91ba5716b/ #10PercentHappier #DevonAndNicoHaza #ThisMessyGorgeousLove