Ready to begin or deepen your meditation practice? Join Dan Harris and world-class meditation teachers on the 10% with Dan Harris app here: https://app.danharris.com/membership --- Most of us were never taught even the basics of how to be in a relationship — romantic, professional, or otherwise. We just muddle through. The research suggests we can do a lot better. Shankar Vedantam is the host and founder of the Hidden Brain podcast and the author of several books including *The Hidden Brain* and *Useful Delusions*. He recently ran a series on his show called Love 2.0, diving into the latest psychological research on relationships. In this conversation, Shankar shares: - Why trying to change your partner's personality is a form of self-inflicted suffering — and what acceptance actually looks like in practice - The porcupine and the turtle: the most common conflict pattern in long-term relationships - How to give your recurring conflict a name and turn it into something you fight together, not something you fight about - "Eating the blame" — the counterintuitive practice of taking responsibility even when you don't think it's your fault - How to get under the hood of an irritating habit and find the understandable reason beneath it - The three lists to make after any breakup — and why closure is a solo project, not a joint one - Why the stories we tell about our failures determine whether we recover from them - The surprising power of micro-interactions with strangers — and what we lose when we stop having them --- Subscribe to watch more 10% Happier videos: https://www.youtube.com/tenpercenthappier Follow Dan Harris on Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/danharris/ https://www.tiktok.com/@danbharris https://www.facebook.com/DanHarrisABC https://twitter.com/danbharris https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-harris-91ba5716b/ --- Timestamps: 0:00:00 Introduction: the case for interpersonal hygiene 0:03:00 Shankar's Love 2.0 series on Hidden Brain 0:05:00 Why relationships — including weak ties — matter more than we think 0:06:00 James Cordova: the futility of trying to change your partner's personality 0:10:00 The paradox of acceptance: why letting go of change actually creates it 0:14:00 Expanding your social circle so your partner doesn't have to be everything 0:16:00 The porcupine and the turtle — the most common conflict dynamic 0:19:00 Externalizing conflict: give the recurring fight a name and fight it together 0:21:00 "Eating the blame": why taking responsibility is a spiritual practice 0:24:00 The Prayer of St. Francis and what it has to do with relationships 0:29:00 Getting under the hood: finding the understandable reasons behind irritating habits 0:31:00 The friend technique — giving yourself advice as if you were someone else 0:32:00 Shankar's father's secret: believing his wife was always right 0:34:00 Useful delusions: the fictitious beliefs that hold relationships together 0:36:00 How to manage a breakup — romantic, professional, or otherwise 0:38:00 The three lists: what you lost, what you're relieved about, and your shattered dreams 0:40:00 Why telling the same story over and over keeps you stuck 0:42:00 Where you put the chapter breaks determines whether it's a story of redemption or decline 0:44:00 Closure is a solo project — and the empty chair technique 0:51:00 The value of micro-interactions and peripheral connections 0:54:00 What we lost during the pandemic that we didn't even notice 0:55:00 Novelty and surprise: what strangers offer that close relationships can't 0:56:00 Nick Epley's research: why we dread talking to strangers — and why we're wrong 0:57:00 Practical strategies for starting (and escaping) conversations with strangers 1:01:00 Where to find Shankar's work --- #relationships #psychology #mentalhealth --- This episode is sponsored by: **Northwest Registered Agent** — LLC formation, registered agent service, and free business resources at https://www.northwestregisteredagent.com/Happier-free **Arey** — Clinically proven to slow gray hair growth and support re-pigmentation. Get 15% off with code HAPPIER at https://www.arey.com **Function Health** — 160+ lab tests per year to understand what's happening inside your body. Join using code HAPPIER25 for a $25 credit at https://www.functionhealth.com/happier **Warby Parker** — Prescription glasses, contacts, and sunglasses with virtual try-on. Get 15% off two or more pairs at https://www.warbyparker.com/happier