In this deeply vulnerable and wide-ranging conversation, Kyson Dana shares his story of growing up Mormon, serving a mission in Russia, and the lifelong psychological, spiritual, and physical consequences that followed. What was supposed to be the “best two years” of his life became the most traumatic –shaping his identity, mental health, and eventual departure from the Church. Kyson opens up about generational trauma, internalized shame, self-policing, and suicidal ideation in his youth. He walks us through the intense pressure to be perfect, the weaponization of guilt and obedience, and how Mormonism taught him to disconnect from himself in order to survive. We dive deeply into the realities of missionary life in Russia: shrinking missions, violence, threats, abductions, murders, leadership silence, and explicit instructions NOT to tell families what was happening. Kyson recounts being told not to come home unless it was “in a coffin,” enduring extreme fasting, psychological abuse, and witnessing acts of violence that were never processed or acknowledged. Beyond the mission, Kyson shares how this trauma followed him into adulthood –fueling panic disorder, Complex PTSD, and a prolonged faith crisis. He discusses therapy, EMDR, creative work, and the careful, supported use of psychedelics as part of healing. We also explore his work helping teens navigate shame-based purity culture, pornography narratives (“Fight the new drug!”), and the dangerous conflation of morality with normal human behavior. This episode is about far more than Mormonism –it’s about identity, belonging, survival, and what it takes to come back to yourself after an institution teaches you to turn yourself off. If you’ve ever felt broken by a system that promised salvation, you’re not alone. Show notes can be found on the Mormon Stories blog here: https://www.mormonstories.org/my-mormon-mission-to-russia-almost-broke-me/ Timecodes: 00:00:00 Introduction 00:02:47 Kyson’s Mormon upbringing 00:11:33 Spiral dynamics 00:15:46 The first versions of pain from the structure he grew up with 00:22:14 His teen years (there was a vibrant underground emo music in Rexburg) 00:27:11 Self harm 00:33:30 The central focus of his entire life was his mission 00:35:07 He was moving large farm sprinkler pipes 00:42:04 Serving a mission 00:46:12 Balloon lesson of faith in the MTC 00:57:45 He watched someone get murdered while on his mission 01:07:46 Mormonism teaches you to turn off you 01:11:35 Why did the Russians see Mormons as a cult? 01:19:15 The story of Ammon the missionary 01:33:08 He was there to convert himself 01:37:39 To be in Russia they had to have their Visa’s renewed every three months 01:41:20 Did his parents have any idea that this was happening? 01:46:18 “Hell week” as a missionary 02:18:29 The last day on his mission 02:22:33 What response would he give when asked about his mission? 02:34:49 Helping teens overcome pornography addiction 02:49:52 They had 300,000 teens sign up 03:02:58 His faith crisis started happening 03:19:26 Panic disorder and trying mushrooms for the first time 03:40:07 “Purpose anxiety” in people 03:45:05 Writing his story helped him pinpoint themes and arcs 04:00:02 He uploaded his mission video on Christmas Eve 04:11:38 Burying Jesus so that he can live in us 04:14:45 The gift of a deconstructing ___________________ At Mormon Stories we explore, celebrate, and challenge Mormon culture through in-depth stories told by members and former members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as well as scholars, authors, LDS apologists, and other professionals. Our overall mission is to: 1. Facilitate informed consent amongst LDS Church members, investigators, and non-members regarding Mormon history, doctrine, and theology 2. Support Mormons (and members of other high-demand religions) who are experiencing a religious faith crisis 3. Promote healing, growth and community for those who choose to leave the LDS Church or other high demand religions 🤝Help us continue to deliver quality content by becoming a donor today One-time or recurring donations: https://donorbox.org/mormon-stories?default_interval=m Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/mormonstories Venmo: https://account.venmo.com/u/mormonstories Paypal: https://paypal.me/mormonstories Join this channel to get access to perks: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx6OgmoqJbOVRq-Lv1P7SzA/join Our Platforms: 🌐Mormon Stories Blog: https://www.mormonstories.org/episodes 🎙️Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/mormonstories ✳️Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4sDzk7dRjODTSEqzZKZJzk?si=148b0efc1ccc4404&nd=1 🍎Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mormon-stories-lds/id312094772 🖼️Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mormstories 📱TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@mormonstoriespodcast 🎮Discord: https://discord.com/invite/kuX5p6yyjF Contact us: 📧 MormonStories@gmail.com 📬PO Box 171085, Salt Lake City, UT 84117