Whitney defines codependency as an addiction to controlling the perceptions and behaviors of others, often to satisfy a need for external validation or security.

“my specific codependence came from at an early age feeling like I need to take care of the feelings of the adults of I need to behave a certain way to get someone to act like this ultimately it is um the same way an alcoholic you know is alcohol makes their life unmanageable right”

Codependency often manifests as a transactional view of love where a person attempts to earn worth through service and caregiving.

“that's driven by this notion that love is transactional and needs to be earned through achievement and you know approval and accolades and all that kind of stuff”

Relationships are often built on codependent fulfillment because broken individuals attempt to use others to fill their own internal voids.

“So, relationships are built on codependent fulfillment. So, I'm missing something critical in my life. I need attention. I need validation. I need somebody to help me pay my rent, and you need companionship, or you need somebody to stroke your ego”

Codependency and love addiction involve abandoning oneself to make another person the source of one's security and validation.

“Handing over of the power of your own life force to pour into somebody else is what I used to call love.”

Codependency is linked to fusion, where individuals struggle to separate their own emotional state from that of their partner.

“That's where codependency comes in a lot of the times. When I was with my ex, the the biggie, right? The one that was from a few episodes ago. I if if he was in a bad mood, I was in a bad mood. If he was in a good mood, I was in a good mood.”

Individuals in narcissistic relationships must prioritize self-preservation, often by disengaging and building supportive relationships, rather than waiting for the narcissistic person to change.

“You're waiting for a bus that's never going to come. You're waiting for a submarine to show up at a bus stop, basically. And in in the process, it's not even just as that may not come, you will lose yourself in the process.”

People should not expect individuals with dark personality traits to change their fundamental behavior.

“my commitment to someone else changing really doesn't have anything to do with their commitment or ability to change.”

One cannot expect to change a partner's fundamental personality or traits, so one must decide if they can live with those characteristics as they are.

“you can't change men. You can't change anyone. You can't you can't It's not men. It's you can't change anyone. that is something engraved in their personality. Yeah, you can't change people. No matter how much you think that you can.”

Cutting off a narcissist is not always realistic, and it is more effective to use specific strategies to maintain boundaries and gain what is needed from the interaction.

“there is so much amazing information out there about the dangers of narcissistic people and why you need to end relationships with narcissist but ending a relationship with somebody it's not always that realistic right so that's not what we're going to talk about today”

Setting boundaries is a necessary step to protect one's own well-being in a toxic or negative relationship.

“and I think you know with any relationship whether it's a toxic relationship or a negative relationship the first step is to try and fix it and I think the path to fixing relationships like this is first off like don't get defensive”

Jamie Kilstein claims that people should not compromise their core values for the sake of staying in a relationship.

“it's okay to compromise as long as we're not compromising our values”