Displays of emotional unavailability are often just signs of emotional immaturity rather than being mysterious or desirable.

“When we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature. They're not this uh special guy that's got a million things going and his work is taking over and he's so so busy. Actually, he's just emotionally immature.”

She claims that people who are emotionally unavailable often use gaslighting and inconsistent behavior, which triggers those with past trauma to question their own reality.

“And also, well, and I would imagine because if you had the insecurities and you were feeling like you're too much, then him gaslighting you, you're like, "Oh, maybe I am." You start to question your own reality.”

Avoidant culture causes harm to emotionally available people by forcing them to minimize their needs and causing them to suffer physiological and psychological distress.

“So I think that avoidance in general and emotional unavailability is changing people's nervous system, and it is much more harmful than we think it actually is.”

She experiences anxious attachment characterized by physical distress and mental spiraling when a partner does not text back in a timely manner.

“When someone wouldn't text me in a period of time, my brain would spiral in a way where I'll be like, oh my god, this person doesn't like me anymore. Oh my god, this person doesn't want to be with me anymore.”

Childhood attachment styles strongly predict adult attachment styles because the same neural circuits are repurposed for romantic relationships later in life.

“How we attached or did not attach to primary caregivers in our childhood has much to do with how we attach or fail to attach to romantic partners as adults, because the same neural circuits, the neurons and their connections in the brain and body that underlie attachment between infant and caregiver”

The tendency to choose emotionally unavailable partners is often an unconscious attempt to resolve childhood emotional distance from a parent.

“sometimes what happens is that when that little grow girl grows up, she will then date men, if she dates men, which you do, she will then date men who are in in their own way unable to show up for you and to be a real partner for you and to meet your needs.”

Long-distance arrangements can be highly attractive for avoidant individuals because the physical distance prevents the threat of needing to see the partner daily.

“Long-distance relationships are very attractive for avoidance. Because if you're an avoidant, you feel quite happy being the most charming, fun, sensitive, caring version of yourself when you're long distance because there's no threat to this person all of a sudden wanting to see you every day”